The Lost Art of Listening A) "Why won't he even listen to my idea?” , “ Why am I cut off before I provide the whole stor y?” How many times have you been frustrated by someone not listening to what you have to say? How many times have you frustrated others by not listening to them? We tend to think that listening is the same as hearing; but listening is the art of being alert to the problems of the person you are with. Problems caused by not listening can be serious, not only at work, but also with family and friends. Many times we jump in to say what's on our minds before we've even ac kn owledged what the other person has said, short circuiting the possibility of mutual understanding. Speaking without listening, hearing without understanding. In fact we're often baffled and dismayed by the feeling of being left sitting around in the dark. B) Effective managers are proactive ( 主动的 ) listeners. They don't wait for members of their staff to come to them; they make an active effort to find out what people think and feel by asking them. The manager who meets frequently with staff members keeps informed and, even more importantly, communicates interest in the people themselves. An open-door policy allows access, but it doesn't substitute for an active campaign of reaching out and listening to people. The manager who doesn't ask questions communicates that he or she doesn't care. And if he or she doesn't listen, the message is "I'm not there for you." Even if a manager decides not to follow a subordinate's suggestion, listening with sincere interest conveys respect and makes the employee feel appreciated. C) Communicating by memo or e-mail—however witty or informal—is not substitute for personal contact, because it closes off the chance to listen. Simply going through the motions of meeting with people doesn't work either. The fake listener doesn't fool anyone. Poor eye contact, shuffling feet, busy hands, and meaningless replies, like "That's interesting" and "Is that right?" give them away. The insincere listener's lack of interest in the conversation betrays a larger problem: lack of interest in the person with whom the listener is communicating. D) Most people don't listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply. Even at work, where performance takes priority over relationships, listening carefully to understand the other person's point of view—before you even think about replying—is the key to productive communication. Effective managers develop a routine in which communication time is an integral part of the job. They meet with their staff and ask questions. They don't react before gathering all the facts. If they don't know what their people are thinking and feeling, they ask—and they listen. E) W hen w e don't feel heard by our superiors, few of us give up right away. We write memos, we ask to meet with them, we t ry to communicate our needs and convey our points of view. Then we give up. Frequently, we complain to our coworkers and our family and friends. Venting feelings of frustration with third parties rather than addressing conflicts at their source can take on epidemic proportions in work settings. Sometimes it takes the form of gossip, running down someone who's not present. F) But, some of you might be thinking, my boss really is insensitive. I've tried to talk to him, and he just doesn't listen. The mistake people make in trying to get through to unreceptive superiors is the same mistake most of us make in dealing with the difficult people in our lives: we try to change them. And when that doesn't work, we give up. Instead, start by examining your own expectations. What do you want and how are you programmed to go about getting it? Are you expecting to have your personal needs met at work? Do you work hard and wait patiently for the boss to tell you that you're doing a great job, like a good little boy or girl? G) Listening is important at work because it enables people to understand each other, get along and get the job done. But don't get too personal. Don't let your compassion allow someone to talk about their personal problems, which is interfering with work. This may be happening if you're the only person he talks to. A good supervisor keeps channels of communication open—and keeps them focused on the task at hand—by asking for frequent feedback about how things are going (on the job). "What do you like and dislike so far about working here?" , "Is there anything you think we should change to make things smoother?" H) Remember that it can be intimidating for subordinates to give criticism or make suggestions. If you want them to feel safe enough to open up, reassure them that you appreciate their ideas. "I'm glad you spoke up." "Thanks for letting me kn ow." "I didn't realize... I'm glad you told me." Listening to the people we work with isn't the same as becoming friends with them. Many people worry that if we allow ourselves to get personal at the workplace, things might get sticky. But those who think that effective teamwork isn't about listening (it's about getting things done) are wrong. Without being heard we are diminished, as workers and as people. I) Keep in mind the difference between dissent ( 异议 ) and defiance ( 挑衅 ) . Defiance means attacking the other person's position and making him wrong. Dissent means having the courage to stand up for what you think and feel. It’s the difference between saying "You're wrong" and "This is how I feel." Clearly, a dissenting message is much easier to hear than a defiant one. The listener is more willing and interested in hearing a dissenter's objection. Someone who hears a defiant objection will tend to either ignore the comment or be rudely counter-defiant. This is a common problem that tends to increase barriers between people, something you don't want in a work environment where teamwork is necessary. Careful listening is difficult and takes practice to improve. Try harder to understand the other person's perspective.