A) It is midsummer, With memories of high school graduations still strong but sadly be ginning to go away, millions of families are busily preparing for an important event in their lives sending a child off to start college. There is plenty of advice for the students themselves ; I will provide little more here. My audience is those proud and even wisely worried parents, those who will pay the tuition, pack the cars, provide the monthly expenses, feel the changes in their daily lives, bear the loss, face their own growing older, and experience the loneliness. We need to sit down, before all the p roblems begin, and have a quiet talk. I hope it is helpful. B) In my 43 years at Emory University, it has not only been my pleasure to watch the arrival of new freshmen, but my honor to have been given the opportunity every year to talk with parents bringing their children to Emory. C) There are many things I tell the parents in the hour when they sit with me. Here are some of the things that I want them to know. D) 1. This is one of the most emotional times in the lives of parents, especially if they are bringing their oldest or youngest child to school. Bringing their first child means the end o f one phase of their family's life and the beginning of another, they are experiencing the change of their family whose children have grown. For parents with more than one child, this “ launching ” of the first child tells them that the empty nest is slowly beginning to take shape somewhere up ahead. For the parents of a single child or for those bringing their youngest, the empty nest awaits them upon their return home. I tell the first time college parents that it will take them several months to get used to the new pattern of their family at home. I tell the empty- nesters that this process will take several years. It will. But it is not all, or even mostly, bad. This is an exciting time, indeed. E) 2. I tell the parents that just because their children are at college, it does not mean that they are "college students." The best description I have found is to say they are "high school students at college." This is because it takes time to learn how to be a college student -- how to study, how to eat, how to do laundry, how to play, how to handle money, etc. I guess that this process requires about one semester, by which time the students will have studied for and taken major exams, written papers, given in class reports, done wrong things, done well, drunk gallons of coffee, eaten uncountable pizzas and attended a variety of college events. I urge the parents to await the appearance of their college student with patience. F) 3. Waiting patiently for the "college student to appear means not doing what seem to come naturally to modern parents. They want their children to succeed in their lives and they want to help as much as they can. Here's what I tell them: During the course of normal events at college, your children will face problems that need solving. Roommate problems, social problems, registration problems, problems with specific subjects or professors. There are two ways for these problems to get solved. Way number one: parents call the school and talk to the Office of the Dean, or the Director of Residence Life, or even the president. What happens? The problem gets solved. Oh, but there's one other thing that happens-- their children are weakened. Not only are the children not given the chance to learn how to solve the problem and to grow in self confidence from doing so, they are also "told" by their parents' help that Mom and Dad do not believe that they can take care of themselves, increasing the probability that they will remain dependent on their parents to solve their problems, which results in parents continuing to jump in, which tells the students they can't take care of themselves, True, the problems get solved, but if parents solve them, the kids are weakened or prevented from growing. If the kids do it, the problem is still solved but they are stronger and moving toward a readiness to live their lives independently. G) One thing I add to persuade parents to let kids deal with things on their own is this: Someday, Mom and Dad, these children will be adults and their parents (you) will be elderly and in need of being cared for. What sort of people do you want taking care of you? Unsure people afraid to make good decisions and reach solutions with confidence or ones whose parents wisely sat back and allowed them to go in strength and wisdom? H) 4. One last thing. I said earlier that the day that parents leave their children at college -- or send them off if they are traveling there alone-- is among the most emotional days of parents' and children's lives. It is a moment that comes along once in a lifetime. It is rare and has power. It gives us as parents an opportunity to say things to our children that will stick with them not only because of what is said, but because of when it is said. I) Here is what I tell the parents: think of what you want to tell your children when you finally say goodbye to them and they go off to their dorm and the beginning of their new chapter in life and you set out for the emptier house that you will now live in. What thoughts, feelings and advice do you want to stick? “ Always make your bed ” ? “ don't wear your hair that way! ” ? Surely not. This is a moment to tell them the big things. Things you feel about them as children, as people. Wise things. Things that have guided you in your life.